I Love You, Do You Love Me?
by scarredmewtwo
Summary: Dave loves John. John loves Dave. Dave self harms. John is anorexic. They confess love to each other but are left doubting themselves and they turn to their habits. Trigger warning: anorexia, self harm. JohnxDave.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok tell me of I should continue this, I don't know yet if I should. I tried something a little different, and I kinda like it. Sorry for being so inactive lately :3**

D:

There was a boy who sat by the window

The boy never spoke or smiled or laughed

But he was beautiful

The boy had blue eyes, black hair, and buck teeth.

He was truly beautiful

J:

There was a boy in my class

He always wore long sleeves no matter the weather

But he was beautiful

He had blonde hair, shades and the most perfect smile

I was in love with him

D:

The boy with the blue eyes came up to me today

He then uttered a word

"Hey"

My cheeks went red and my hands went shaky

I stuttered a word back

"Hi"

We stand there awkwardly for a while

Until the blue eyed boy speaks

"I'm John."

"I'm Dave"

The silence continues

J:

"I'm John." I say

"I'm Dave."

This boy Dave was absolutely perfect

I wanted to tell him that

I wanted to tell him I loved him

But what if he rejects me

I know he will

I'm disgusting

But I say it anyway

"I love you"

His cheeks go red

Oh god he doesn't like me

He looks me in the eyes and says

"I love you to"

"I love you."

D:

My cheeks went red

He loved me

I loved him

Does that mean anything

So I say it

"I love you to."

J:

Dave then cups my face in his hands

He leans in close

Was he going to kiss my disgusting lips?

He then pressed his lips on mine

He did

He kissed me, the disgusting, fat me

I kissed back

I loved it

I was in love with the blonde haired kid

The one that was perfect

I wasn't

I was far from perfect

He was perfect

Skinny

Strong

I was

Ugly

Fat

And an asshole

I hope he never finds out about what I do

The thing that destroyed me

Anorexia

D:

I felt John kiss back

He was such a great kisser

I wasn't

I was terrible

I don't deserve him

I was too fucked up

There's a reason I never wear short sleeves

And that reason is

Scars

J:

Dave then turned away

He pulled his sleeves over his palms

I sigh

I knew he would never like me

I knew he was lying

I start walking home

Maybe I was too gross

That was probably it

Maybe if I threw up

Then Dave would want me

D:

I started walking away

John didn't want a broken fuck like me

He deserved someone better

Not me

Someone who didn't have the scars I own

I got my bag and ran to the bathroom

He would maybe leave if he knew what I did

I locked the stall door

I rolled my sleeve up

Held the blade to my arm

And cut

Cut

Cut

J:

I walked home in silence

He didn't want my lard ass

He wanted a perfect woman

Her perfect legs

Her flat stomach

Her butt

I was just a guy

A broken

Fucked up kid

Not some model

Fuck he probably didn't even want to touch anyone male

He was probably lying

I opened the door to my house

No one was home

That was normal

I then saw mom had left a note

I didn't bother to read it

She had left some food

I knew I was going to eat it

And more

Which I did

I ate

Ate and ate

Then I vomited it all up

God I hate myself

D:

I wrapped the wounds I made and rolled down my sleeve

No one knew this habit

So I continued

John hates me

He wants someone better

Not broken

Not hurt

Someone who knows how to care for themselves

Not me

I grabbed my bag and started making my way out of the school

I got to my car and drove home

There was no fighting when I got there

There was only one voice

Bro's

I knew it

Everyone else had left me

he heard me walk in

By his expression it showed he saw I knew

"I'm sorry"

it was all he said

I hugged him

Then with tears in my eyes I left to my room

It soon all was let out

Tears staining my clothes

I fell asleep crying

J:

For the third night in a row

I was sitting on my bed

I had vowed I wouldn't eat again

I had broken that promise

Damn I really can't control myself

My dad would soon be home

Not yet

I was still alone

I wanted to know if the throwing up had made me smaller

Even a few ounces

I walk into my bathroom

The scale was in a corner

I pull it out and step on it

75 pounds

I had lost weight

I smile

I knew I was sick

I liked being sick

It made me feel in control

Soon I heard a knock on my door

"John."

I looked up

"Yeah"

He smiled

"You ate the cake I made"

I nod

"I guess."

He leaves

I then fall to the floor

And cry

D:

The next morning I was woken

Bro had shaken me

I rise from my bed

Another shit day

I trudge downstairs

Bro had made some pancakes

I had a few

I then went to school

Maybe John does love me

I walk into the classroom

Hoping

J:

I hear my alarm clock beep

Annoying

Like everything else

I trudge to the bathroom

Maybe I had lost more weight

Dave would like me more

I know he would

I step on the scale

74 pounds

I had lost more

Dave will love me more

I hope he does

When I arrive at school Dave looks at me

He blushes

Did he really like me?

Impossible

I sit down at my desk and look out the window

Dave was looking at me

And Blushing

Did he really like me?


	2. Chapter 2: You Do Love Me?

**So I decided to continue, here's chapter 2 :D**

D:

John sat down at his desk by the window

I wanted to make eye contact

So I did

He noticed

My cheeks went red

Damn it

Why do my cheeks always go red?

I hate it

I look forward again

From the corner of my eye I noticed John still staring

Maybe that was a sign

A sign he didn't hate me for kissing him

A few hours passed

I received a note

When I opened it

It read:

I love you, do you love me?

-JE

My heart flipped

He liked me

I scribble a note back:

I love you

-DS

J:

I handed Dave a note

I wanted to know if he liked me

When he read the note

His face changed

A sigh of relief was seen

Did he like me?

Oh god

He's writing back

I watch the paper be handed back

I slowly open it:

I love you

-DS

My heart started beating faster

He loved me

It was written out

I then scribble another note:

Meet me after school

-JE

And hand it to him

D:

I received another note from John:  
Meet me after school

JE

I then looked over and nodded

His smile grew wide and he blushed

J:

The hours of school passed slowly

Ticking by

Tick

Tock

Tick tock

Soon the last bell rang and I waited for Dave by the front

He was the last to leave the school

But he arrived

"Hey" he said

I awkwardly waved

"What did you need?"

I go red

"Do you want to come over?"

His face lit up

"yes, I would love to"

I hug him and he gets his bag

We walk to my house and dad wasn't home

Again

He gets comfortable

I sit beside him

"So what do you wanna do?"

He shrugs

"Do you play video games"

"A little."

Dave takes the controller

I take the other one

We play

Dave's sleeves roll up at times

He made sure to pull them down again

It made me a little suspicious

Don't assume John

He doesn't have the bullshit problems

He knows how to handle himself

D:

My sleeves rolled up

Numerous times

I made sure to keep them down

He shouldn't know

We play for a few hours

Bro might want me home

I better go

I don't want him mad

"John I have to go, Bro is probably worried"

He looks down and then sighs

"Ok, see ya tomorrow."

I hug him and leave

When I got home Bro was at the door

"Dave, where've you been?"

"At a friends."

He lets me inside

He seemed off

I walked to the kitchen table

On the table was a familiar box

Bro then walked in behind me

"What's in here?"

I open the box

In it was something I never wanted him to see

Razors

"Explain"

"I don't know, Bro, please don't be mad"

He sighed and hugged me

"I'm not"

I then walked up to my room

I didn't want to explain myself right now

It would make things harder

J:

Dave left

He hated me

I was boring

I knew it

He wasn't going to stay

He was going to leave like everyone else

I walked upstairs to my room

Locked the door

Turned on the shower

And vomited

It was a habit now

I couldn't break the cycle

I made sure to not smell like vomit

So I had pretty strong air freshener

And sprayed it everywhere

Dad was never going to know

I then sit at my desk and start doing the homework

If I busied myself

I wouldn't think of Dave as much

Which was a goal

Who would love an anorexic freak like me


	3. Chapter 3: I'm madly in love with you

**Here's chapter three, Hope you like it. :3**

D:

Bro found out

He was probably going to send me to some nuthouse

Which would make me leave John

I didn't want that

I wanted to stay with John

I wanted John

And he wanted me

I knew it

At least I think he did

He said he loved me

Why must this happen now

Damnit

Why does time never cooperate

It's against me

Time is against everyone

It's just a bitch

We live

We die

What's the point

Life is just a cycle

You go to school

Then you work

Raise a few kids

Then you die

What's the point in living

No one even knows your name when you go out

You're just another

Pathetic

Useless

Human being destroying the planet

I don't understand that

J:

I finish up the homework I had due

Dave came across my mind

His lips

His hips

His perfect hips

I wanted him

I wanted Dave

He didn't want me

My ugly body

My annoying teeth

I decide to just go to bed

I'd see him tomorrow anyway

I stripped into my boxers

Laid on my bed

And drifted off

The next morning

I was awoken by dad

"You have ten minutes"

"I sit up

wait for him to leave

then I put on some pants

weigh myself

73.5

and leave to school

Dave eyed me with dreamy eyes when I arrived

I sat down at my seat

Dave then pulled at the sleeves of his shirt

I didn't know why he never wore short sleeves

But I sure had an idea of why

It wasn't a pretty one

Dave has taken the blade to himself

It was just a theory

But it seemed logical

D:

I tugged my sleeves down

No one was allowed to see the scars

I inflicted

It was my secret

I mean Bro knows

But he wasn't stopping me

So I decided to continue

To continue my nasty habit

John eyed me while I was tugging my sleeves

Did he suspect me?

Oh god

If he did he wouldn't want me

I was just a fucked up kid

Who belonged in a nuthouse

A

Fuck up

The teacher arrived in the classroom

Class was going to start

Which it did

I sat through the couple hours of hell

Until we were dismissed for lunch

Which I decided to spend with John

He sat alone at the end of the table

I took my stuff and sat next to him

"Hey"

He looked over and blushed

"Hi"

We sat there awkwardly

John then took my hand

He wasn't very subtle

But I was ok with it

I kinda liked it

A lot

Halfway into lunch I noticed something

John hadn't eaten

But it was probably nothing

J:

Lunch was over

We were still hand locked

And I had no intention of letting go

But I had to

Because we didn't sit next to each other

But Dave offered that we go to his house

So that was a plus

I just had to get closer to him

He was such a beautiful person

He was going to be mine

I waited anxiously until the school day was over

When it was Dave walked over

He grabbed my hand

"C'mon, we have to get to the bus"

We run to his bus and get on

Everyone stares

It was normal though

I'm a freak

Dave started moving in close to me

He laid his head on my shoulder

I smile

Dave had the last stop on the bus

We get off

He leads me into his house

We go inside the front door

The house was quite empty

"Bro's not home"

He tells me

Then he leads me to his room

"We're free to do whatever"

Somehow a scene flashed through my head

Making out

With Dave

D:

John's cheeks went red after I said

"We're free to do whatever"

I wondered what he's thinking about

Not me for sure

I sit on my bed

He sits next to me

I never noticed how small he was

He was extremely skinny

But that was normal for guys

Right?

I thought nothing of it

I took his hand again

He squeezed it

I lean in close

"I really hope you love me as much as I love you"

He then kisses my cheek

"I do"

I lean in closer

Slowly we turn heads

Toward each other

John takes my face

And kisses me

Which I receive kindly

His lips were soft

It felt amazing

I grab his face

And kiss him back

I guess it was official

We were going to be together

And nothing was going to stop us


	4. Chapter 4: I Have To Say Something

J:

Dave had kissed me

His soft lips had touched mine

It was amazing

I don't understand

Why was it so rewarding?  
So perfect

Dave then pulled me close

He kissed my forehead

"I wish you could stay here forever."

I kiss Dave again

"I wish I could to"

We stand up

I felt a wave of dizziness

I fell on Dave

He caught me

"Woah, you ok?"

I nod

"Yeah, sorry."

He takes my hand

"C'mon, I'm hungry, let's get food"

I tense

And use my excuse

"I'm not hungry"

Even though I was starving

He then nodded

"Ok, but I'm hungry."

We walk down to the kitchen

Dave gets a bag of chips

We walk back upstairs

He looks over at me

"Are you sure you're not hungry"

I nod

"You didn't eat lunch either"

"I know"

He sighs

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah."

"I'll believe you"

I sigh

"Ok"  
We cuddle for a while longer

Then I had to leave

I got home

Dad wasn't home

I decided to take a shower

I had nothing better to do

I walk to the bathroom

Strip myself of my clothes

Then turn on the water

I never noticed anything wrong

Until I washed my hair

I ran my hand through it

When I did

I noticed hairs

They were falling out

I turned off the shower

Dried myself off

And pulled on some clothes

I brushed my hair

More hairs

Something was going wrong

Dad wasn't home

I know I had to tell him

I had to

It's becoming scary

D:

John Left

Bro got home

I was worried

He hadn't eaten

He was so skinny

Were those signs

Signs that something was wrong

Was he more fucked up than I thought?

I hoped not

"Dave come down for dinner"

I trudged down the stairs

Bro had some pizza

"Hey"

He sat down

I did to

"What's up?"

I sigh

"I think John may be anorexic"

Bro looked at me

"How come"

"He's so skinny"

"He doesn't eat"

Bro looks me in the eye

"Well, next time he's over, just ask him."

I nod

"It's hard though"

Bro nods

"It was hard with you,

Just do it"

I finish my pizza

Bro takes me upstairs

Hold on Dave

He takes my wrists

Rolls up the sleeves

And sighs

"Dave, please, next time tell me before you do this."

I hug him

"I will"

J:

I heard the door open

Dad was home

I had to tell him

My biggest secret

The one I've been hiding

For over a year

I sigh

Run my hand through my hair

More hair

I take a deep breath

Then I walk downstairs

He was in the kitchen

I slowly walk downstairs

I walk into the kitchen

Hair in my hand

"Dad, I need to tell you something"

He looks over at me

"You can tell me anything"

I walk closer

Heart beating

Legs shaky

"Promise you won't freak out?"

He put his hand up

"I promise"

I look at my feet

"I don't know how to tell you this."

He takes my shoulders

"John, I'm supposed to support you all the time, tell me"

I take off the jacket I was wearing

Revealing my body

""I need help"

He looked me over

Probably for cuts

"Why?"

I then show him the hair

"Because I fear for what's happening to me"

He looked at my body again

"Is this why you've lost so much weight?"

I nod

"I'm anorexic"

"I'm scared"

"My hair's falling out"

"My nails are purple"

"I can barely stand"

My dad looks away

"John, why didn't you tell me earlier"

I sit down at the kitchen table

"I was scared"


	5. Chapter 5: Are You Ok?

D:

I can't sleep

I've tried

But it won't come

I just close my eyes

And then there's darkness

I wonder what John's doing

I hope he's ok

I really do

I'm scared

I'm scared for his life

I didn't know how much he weighed

But I knew he wasn't healthy

I wonder if he made himself throw up

Or if he's had an episode

I'm so worried

Fuck Dave

He's fine

You have the bullshit problem

You are the fucked up one

John's fine

But I'm doubting myself again

John's not fine

I knew it deep down

He was starving himself

I knew he was

J:

I sat down at the kitchen table

My shoulders hunched

My emaciated figure clearly visible

My dad was sitting on the couch

Cursing at himself

For not noticing

I wanted to cry

I never wanted to tell

I was going to get better and it would all be ok

It wouldn't be like this

The silence hovering in the air

I wanted to tell him I was sorry

That I would get better

But I wouldn'tI

I knew I wouldn't

It was all going to get worse

Until Dad spoke:

"Why are you doing this John?

I look up

And sigh

"I don't know dad

All I know is that I don't want this"

He put his hands on his head

And I lay my head on the table

The silence lingered again

Until I got up

"I'm going to bed"

And then I ran upstairs

And fell asleep

It was morning when dad walked in

"Get up son"

I pull my feet over the side of the bed

And pull myself to my feet

I walk downstairs

And there was food on the table

I had to eat

I didn't want to

I had to be perfect

I had to be thin

But dad then walked down

"There's breakfast"

I sigh

And sit down

There was a muffin

A calorie-packed muffin

Goddamnit

I ate a fourth

Smeared a little

Cut a little

And made it look like I ate it

Then I went to the bathroom

Weighed myself

And went to school

D:

I finally slept

For two hours

Until Bro woke me up

I walked to the kitchen

There was leftover pizza

Which I ate cold

Then I walked to the bus stop

And waited

Thoughts racing

John was anorexic

He wasn't

He was bulimic

No he

Was anorexic

He wasn't fucked up

He was just skinny

He was bulimic

Those thoughts racing

I didn't know what to do

I wanted to ask him

But he'd surely hate me

He'd hate me if I did

I didn't want to lose him

I love him

He loves me

He can't die

But he surely will

If he doesn't eat soon

I didn't know how to confront him

Or ask

Or bring it up

I arrive at school

Heart beating fast

I sit down

John wasn't here yet

So I waited until he was

He arrived five minutes later

"Hey"

He awkwardly said

"Hi"

I say back

He then hugs me

And sits down

Class starts

And I pass John a note

"We need to talk"

He looks scared

And puts the note away

After class I met up with him

He looks down

I sigh

"John.

Are you ok?"

He looks up

And shakes his head

I knew it

Damnit Dave

J:

"We need to talk"

my heart beats faster

Did Dave know

Oh god

He did

He wanted to make me eat

I can't

I won't

I don't want to eat

Class was over

Dave took my hand and led me to the open field

"John. Are you ok?"

I didn't know what to do

I looked up at him

And shook my head

"I don't know anymore"

"I don't think I am"

He takes my hands in his

And looks me straight in the eye

"Are you anorexic?"

I look away

And my eyes water

"Yeah"

I choke out


	6. Chapter 6: You're not OK

D:

John looked down

"Yes."

I then took his face in my hands

"Why, you're perfect."

He sighs.

"I'm not, I'm far from that."

I then kiss his lips.  
"Well You're perfect to me."

John stands awkwardly

"Dave. I started it years ago.

Because of people

And their twisted words."

I then hugged him tightly.

"You mustn't do it anymore, you have me."

He sighs

"I it were that easy I'd be fine again."

We then kiss again

Then Dave takes my hands

"Come to my place again"

He sighs

"Yeah."

We then walk

We walk to my place

I didn't know what to do

He could die

The boy was so thin

I was scared

He was scared

We're all scared

I was so worried

John could drop dead

He could

Fuck Dave

He'll be fine

He'll be fine

It's not like he doesn't know that

He does

At least I think he does

I open the door for John

He weakly smiles

"Thanks"

We walk up to my room

John's thin arms were shaking

I was scared

Damn

He was so thin

"John."

He looked over

"Yeah."

I sighed

"Have you ever told someone"

He nods

"My dad"

J:

Dave looks over at me

"Have you told anyone"

I nod

"My dad"

Dave scoots closer to me

"How'd he react"

I shrug

"Like any normal person"

Dave hugged me tight

"I'm so scared"

I kiss his cheek

"I'll be fine"

Dave shook his head

"Not if you continue this"

I look away

"Well, then leave me to die"

Dave put his finger to my lips

"John, I need you, you need you"

I look at my hand

"Dave, do you not understand"

Dave sighed

"What do I not understand"  
I take his hand

"I'm addicted to this, I can't just stop"

He sighs

"I'm sorry, I can't let you continue."

I look down

Years

This was my comfort

The vomiting

And starving

Nothing else

No one understood it

I wish someone did

It would be easier to explain

But they don't so I'm lost here

In this world

All alone

D:

"I'm sorry, I can't let you continue."

I watch his eyes go to the floor

Fuck Dave

You messed up again

You made him sad

You're fucked up enough

He needs to get better

Please Dave

You need to shut your whore mouth and just help poor John

Please, don't ever make it about yourself

It makes it worse

So I say it

"I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you."

John sighed

"I know I'm doing wrong"

He looks at my eyes

"But it's my comfort, I can't stop it, it's a cycle, starve, binge, purge, repeat"

I hug his thin body and let my warmth warm his body

"Hey John, it'll get better."

He shyly smiles and then locks his hand in mine

We start walking


	7. Chapter 7: We Are Not Ok

**Holy shit it's been long, sorry for never updating so much bullcrap has happened, and parents can be dickwads with pronouns to. Hopefully this makes up for that**

J:

We walk together

Hand in hand

I smile

Dave had taken it well

He did have the whole

"You need to stop this response"

but you get used to that

People do that

Strangers notice that I'm fucked up

They'll try to say things

I ignore them

It gets irritating

"John"

I hear Dave

"Yeah."

He pulls me closer

And then

He kisses me again

I blush and we continue

We walk

And walk

"Where are we going?"

Dave then stopped

"Shit, we passed my house."

I laugh and we walk back to his place

Dave opens the door

I hear Bro

Dave takes me to the kitchen

"Hey Bro, this is John."

Bro looks over me

"He's cute Dave."

I pleaded he didn't talk about the fact I weighed 70 pounds

"But really skinny."

Damnit

Dave rubbed my hand

Bro then shook my hand

"I am Bro, Dave's guardian."

I smile and Dave sighed

"Dad, we'll be upstairs."

Bro stood

"Dave, not until you eat something."

My breath hitched

Dave took the food and we went upstairs

"John, have you eaten yet?"

I shake my head

"John, you should have something."

I sigh

"But Dave…"

Dave then broke off a piece of bread

"This is all I'm asking."

I sigh and take it

Then eat it

D:

John ate the bread

I smile

"How was it?"

"Terrifying."

I hold his hands

"John, it's bread."

He looks down

"But it's full of calories

I kiss him and he smiles

"John, that was barely 50."

John's shoulders relaxed

"That's not too bad."

I smile

My sleeves were still down

John didn't know

He watched my eyes go to my wrist

"Dave."

I look up

"It's nothing."

John then pulls me close

"Dave, you know my secret."

I then watch him pull up my sleeves

He sighed

"Darling, you didn't care for these."  
I look at them

"I don't deserve to care for them."

He caresses my face

I blush

"Look, you're like me, I don't deserve food."  
I rest on his lap

"I deserve pain."

John lays down next to me

And kisses my cheek

He wraps his bony arms around me

"You don't deserve pain, you're the best person I've ever met."

"I deserve every cut on my body John."

He puts a finger to my lip

"Dave we're the same,"

"I say I deserve every time I puked,

"I say I deserve every time I've passed out,

"You say you deserve every cut,

"Every bruise,

"Dave, you don't deserve this, I do."

I pull him in for a hug

"No one deserves pain."

J:

I kiss Dave's cheek

He was like me

Fucked up

So fucked up it was hard to change

I was so used to this

Being fucked up

I'm scared to one day be ok

I don't want to end up in a mental hospital

With a bunch of nutheads

But I fear that'll happen

Dave kissed the center of my wrist

"John, your heart's starting to beat faster."

I look over

"I'm scared."

Dave pulled me in tight

"Of what?"

I sigh

"Passing out and being forced to go to a mental hospital."

Dave sat up

"Look, John I'm scared of that to,

"Going to deep, and being forced to an institution."

Dave then got up

"I'll give Bro these dishes."

I sit alone in his room

The food still residing

I could puke

The food would be gone

I could keep it

Dave would be happy

Puking won

I went to the toilet and turned on the water

I put up both toilet seats

And stuck my fingers down my throat

And puked

I hear footsteps

"Shit"


End file.
